There have been other significant life-changing events over the last couple of years. Every day is a battle to decide that I am going to be okay not knowing what the future holds in store for our family of two. Will it grow or always be just the two of us? I've become the person who I talk to most, telling myself that I can do this. I can have faith. I can be patient. I am okay turning my life over to those who know my needs better than I do. I guess that's what this whole thing is about.
The route of the emotional roller coaster began with excitement, turned into sadness and anger, took a loop through pride, and is now settling somewhere on the border between pride and impatience. I hate that I have to share so many personal details about my relationship with Dan with so many people I don't know. It's something that seems too precious to post about on a public site. And to know that someone who reads about us will not really know us authentically, because to only write about the good things is to say that there is no value in the challenges we face and the flaws in our human nature. How can anyone ever really appreciate the whole of a person without knowing those things? Those battle scars and quirks are what make a person relatable, likeable, and well, a person. The whole process feels so uncomfortable to me that I would much rather live out the dream when I show up on the first day of school to greet my class only to realize that I don't have pants on.
But, nevertheless, here we are . . . hoping to adopt. And I'm working every day at the "hope" part of the process. I had no intentions for this to be the most depressing post in the world, but I felt such a need to communicate the reality of "hoping to adopt." I look at others' profiles and wonder how they seem so happy and patient while in this oversaturated pool of waiters. I click through and count the number of couples or families I would choose over myself. How are there so many ridiculously good-looking, super wealthy, or over-educated people in the pool of hopeful parents? I can't imagine that there are too many birth parents who sit down to write their ideal adoptive parent attributes as not bad looking, enough money, and some education. But, hey, if they did, I would be just the person for them! Sometimes, just when I feel completely hopeless, someone comes out of the woodwork to share with me a story about someone in their family who adopted and the story is remarkable, the kind of story that makes you know in an instant that there are forces greater than ourselves at work here.
There are a lot of things that I don't know. But I do know for some reason that I am supposed to write about my feelings and experiences. I'm much better at working through my emotions in writing than I am in person or even in my head. Maybe that's the reason why I'm supposed to share these feelings. I can't imagine that there is anyone who could benefit from reading about my experiences since I'm still working in remedial levels when it comes to understanding things in this life.
I pray every day that the Lord will forgive me for being so proud and hard headed. And I pray for patience, hope, and faith . . . lots and lots of faith. And for now, I'll just keep taking things one day at a time, hoping to adopt.
DanAndMeganAdopt.com
